Altair's Mental Health Hotline

Hello and welcome to Altair's mental health hotline. Please listen carefully to the menu selections, because they change every hour.....

If you are Obsessive Compulsive . . . press 1, repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent . . . please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities . . . press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid . . . we know who you are, and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are Delusional . . . press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic . . . listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Depressed . . . it doesn't matter what number you press . . . no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic . . . press 969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder . . . please fidget with the Asterisk key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia . . . press 8 and then state your Name, Address, Phone Number, Date of Birth, Social Security Number and your Mother's and Grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . slowly and very carefully press 000.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder . . . please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss . . . please try to call again later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem . . . please hang up. Our operators are far too busy to talk to you

If none of the above apply . . . you have the wrong number, though you might want to read Altair's self-help book "I'm Okay, You're a Jerk". If you find this to be an error, please call again. Thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline.

Altair Home pers_mental.html, Feb 2003, Altair. EMail altair@altair.org